Hospice Truths

I feel a little silly when I think about the preconceived notions I had about being a comfort therapist for hospice. This was my fantasy:

I would be an ‘angel of mercy’, administering peace, comfort, and understanding to dying people. The people I visited would:

• Be actively dying, or very near to that
• Welcome my visits with open arms and grateful hearts
• Openly discuss the dying process with me
• Some would be happy to record their lives with me (life reviews).
• Be open to therapeutic touch and guided imagery/visualization
• Become more relaxed and comfortable as a result of therapeutic touch and guided imagery/visualization
• Most of them would live in their homes.

I was wrong on most points, and in fact, came to realize that my fantasy was all about ME. After two years working with two of our local hospice programs, I have to admit that it is not, at all, about ME. I have grown tremendously and learned a whole lot about myself in those two years. More importantly, I have learned about the process that we call ‘dying’.

Doris was my first patient, and I am still seeing her after two years. That shoots a big hole in my fantasy that most of the people I saw would be “actively dying, or very near to that”. Doris has been taken off of hospice twice in that time, once because of a hospitalization, and another time because her health was improving. We have become friends, of a sort. She looks forward to my visits and depends on my showing up on Tuesdays; the two or three times that I’ve missed, she’s questioned me sharply about where I was. I should add that whether or not she was on hospice, I have continued to see her, every Tuesday, for almost two years.

Working with Doris has been very interesting. Before I even saw her I was warned that she could be pretty grouchy. I didn’t find her grouchy, but she definitely spoke her mind. She was very open about resenting her move to the assisted living facility, and could not understand why she couldn’t still be on her own.

Doris was usually willing to talk about her life, but never, ever wanted to talk about dying. She has never cared much for deep conversations, and I don’t really think that she sees life as anything to examine. This was my first important lesson: Don’t judge where another person is at or how they choose to handle it. Doris was where Doris was. There was nothing to discuss or examine. Perhaps it was I who needed this death discussion, and not her.

The first time I used therapeutic touch on Doris was the day I walked in and she was in the throes of extreme pain. I had no idea what was happening, and at her insistence, I rang the nurse’s station to request pain medication and was told that they were already aware of her situation and that they would be there shortly. During the wait, I was visited instead by my personal demons, who told me that the best way to handle this uncomfortable situation was to run!

Lesson number two: When it comes right down to it, are you capable of being a witness to another’s suffering? I did not run; I placed my hands where she guided them, and held them there until her pain ebbed a bit. I held the wastebasket while she retched. I smoothed back her hair, talked soothingly to her, found socks in her drawer and put them on her cold feet. Nothing I did was planned; it all just flowed out of me after my initial resistance.

That was the worst of it. Most of my other visits with Doris have been pretty mundane. We watch television (sometimes she has her headphones on, and I try to figure out what’s going on). I soothe her in subtle ways, smoothing out her legs and feet, holding her feet to generate a little warmth, and assessing her without really appearing to. Sometimes I bring her little things, like the calendar she requested. She likes to look outside, so I open the curtains for her, and we talk about generalities. Often, we just sit quietly with each other. My third lesson: Allow whatever happens, or doesn’t happen.

Doris has been a wonderful example, but I know that my time with her has been and will be the exception, rather than the rule. Although none of the people I’ve visited have been actively dying, they have run the gamut from the gentleman who died while I was on my way to our second meeting with him, to Doris. All of them have been glad to see me, but not because I am anything special; for most of them, visitors are gratefully welcomed.

I can only remember one person who actually said anything about dying, and he just said that he wasn’t afraid of it. None of the others had any inclination to discuss the process.

Nobody has mentioned recording their life stories. A few have been open to therapeutic touch, and two have requested guided imagery/visualization. For those who have used therapeutic touch or guided imagery/visualization, most of them have felt relief and comfort after our sessions. About half of the people I see are in their homes or the home of a relative, and the others are in assisted living or skilled nursing facilities.

My most valuable lesson, after working with hospice for almost two years, is this: You will get to know these people only to the extent that they want you to know them. Sometimes you will ease their pain, anxiety, or discomfort, and sometimes not. Your visit will always be important. And, you will learn much more about yourself than you ever thought possible.

Article Source: http://www.a1-optimization.com/articles

Rita Ballard, GVA, C.Ht, TTP is a strong advocate of hospice programs and feels that we need more education for the public about what hospice can do for families. In addition to her work with hospice, Ms. Ballard has a private hypnotherapy practice and a virtual assistance business. She can be contacted by emailing: Info@healershelper.com, hh@ucmax.com, and by calling 360-736-2000. Her hypnotherapy site will be up soon, at www.ritaballard.com. For virtual assistance, visit www.healershelper.com

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